thinking too much....?

Well now that I've started uni, everything/every week is just all planned out in some routine....I always catch a nearly 1 hr bus there, finish my lecs/tutes/labs, have lunch, shop around and then bus it back another hr....that leaves me with 2 whole hours of thinking time alone on the bus....everyday that I go uni. So this week after one of my uni days whilst I was on the bus ride heading home, I realised how much of a pessimist I actually am.

When it comes to my friends' or peoples' problems I'm always saying to "think positively", telling them that things will work itself out and everything will turn out fine...but when it comes to myself and my own problems I always assume the worst case scenario and can't seem to think the same as I would if it were someone elses' issues.

So, there is this pressing issue that has came up again for me and I've managed to forgot about it for a whole year. Completely ignoring it like it never existed, but yet again it's time for me to face it. Nearly one and a half years ago, on that day when I had to re-visit the problem, I had tried to convince myself that things would be fine but it wasn't and so how am I supposed to be optimistic? Especially about something that it just so seriously scary and worrying as this is for me because it is just completely out of my control and could really go all down hill from here...? That day when I was told of the one of the worst case scenarios happening, it did....so I'm too scared to think that anything other than the worst can happens and I don't wanna fool myself into thinking it won't be bad news as it would only prove my point and make it worst. I nearly cried that day but didnt and pretended I was fine as I didn't want to alarm anyone else so I held it in and acted normal. I was given a decision to make but thinking about it was too much for me so I left it alone and so now it resurfaced, and I need to make that decision now...I realise to others I may seem like I'm fine with as I always joke around and laugh, acting like I think it's not a big deal, though on the inside I'm terrified. Sigh....and I don't, can't talk about it because I know if I do seriously acknowledge it and tell someone that it just makes it all too real and just scare me even more...and then I'll just won't be able to stop myself from having my long belated crying session that I nearly had that time.

SOOO...sorry to have this D&M rant (which is very ambigous) but I had to get this out and this was the best way to do it without me bawling my eyes out as I know if I told this out with all the gory details to someone/anyone that anything they'd say, even an "awwww" would just start the waterworks...and I don't want to do that...

So got this pic above from this blog called "Stuff No One Told Me ( but I learned anyway )" and they always have awesome quotes that make me think =]. Well this pic pretty much somes up what I need to do...trust my instincts more and not let my negative thoughts affect me, but it's just so hard to do that...easier said than done....

 **********
Okay well I'm gonna switch to a new topic that isn't so depressing for me and everyone else who may be reading! So I've been trying to decide between buying a food mixer (for making cakes/baking etc...) or buying a camera (a proper one that is for doing photography)...lol and yes I know... the two items are totally random and nothing alike...But I've finally come to the conclusion that I'll buy a camera because, though I really do wanna bake and become pro at it, I seriously doubt I have much time to do it now, with uni and all... So at least with the camera I guess it won't be a waste as I can really take a picture any time and if I wanted to I wouldn't need to give up hours of my time like baking would need me to do! So yeah!

The only dilemna now is deciding which brand...but I want to get it buy Friday the latest; because I have a photography club photoshoot day this saturday x]. Exciting~ So I really want to get a good camera so that I can experiment with it and become a pro-photographer hehe. Yeah....well I'm still jobless so my budget is pretty low so I can just spare a couple/few hundreds for this camera I want.

Oh, and today got my first assignment for uni =/. It's a group assign. For this we need to do go ask a company to let us interview them and let us know what information systems they use..etc and they're 10 topics and one of which was beauty and health...and my tute got that one...and funnily enough...like around about 75% of the class are guys LMAO! My group is all girls so it'd be easier for us since we need to find a beauty related store and approach them...but I can imagine how awkward it would be for the other groups as they're gonna be all guys and have to go to beauty/health stores on their own ROFL!

Anyways....it's getting late and I better be off to bed since I have an early start tomorrow! Sorry for this uber long post but I guess it makes up for my lack of posting these days!

Au revoir mes amies,

x af~